Trapped In My Own World

Right now I can’t imagine how to describe to the best as I can how my life is moving and where it is headed to. There are quite a number of things I wish I had more control over where I can plan changes and implement them. Perhaps a lot of people often deny themselves that they are not control freak - but I must say I am somewhat…not in a ridiculous level, though.

I think over-analyzing things is one of my hardcore problems, in which I find myself shamefully fail every time I try to do something about it. One big factor is the unbearable, harsh childhood I have had when I was growing up by which made some incredible impact to what and how I am today. I had become an individual who does not appreciate errors, misjudgments, the “falling through cracks”, disrespects, disloyalty, and so forth. If any of these gets tested, it motivates the not-so-good shade of myself to react unpleasantly. Others say, as a typical Taurus characteristic, that it is completely normal. In many cases I certainly doubt association of character to philosophical icons/beliefs. Not sure how precise zodiac signs are with representing one’s acts - but I strongly believe people’s behaviors gets provoked because of other contributing factors.

Every day I try to be better and learn to let go of things I can’t control anymore, and things I shouldn’t have control over to begin with, and learn to loosen up. It’s like addiction to smoking. Undergoing process to quit takes a step, or two, or three, or whatever before you can actually see/experience some difference. It’s a process that I’m going through slowly and hopefully successful. I just feel awkward sometimes when I feel domineering to some people, but not quite atrocious, though. Not good. I mean it’s really bad. Don’t like it at all!

There’s nothing worst than feeling trapped in your own world where you were suppose to find your way out - but to no avail. It’s not easy. I think over time I’ll be able to find an outlet. I just have to embrace new things, appreciate the things I currently have, and perhaps have different, only positive outlook on them. Not the usual “black is black, white is white”. I hope by learning to accept my boundaries and cope up with the changes around me, whether I have control over them or not, and learning how far it should go should make me feel lighter. I really hope so.